There’s an oldie from The Who’s 1971 “Who’s Next” album called “Water”:

“Indian Lake is burnin'
New York's skyline is hazy
The River Thames is turnin' dry
The whole world is a-blazin'”

Apt lyrics for the meltdown, perhaps, as we learn that one Lehman executive, when confronted by employees with the notion of foregoing his bonus, quipped, “I'm not sure what's in the water.”

That’s pretty cheeky stuff, coming days before Lehman fell apart, but it’s what Congress and the American people are also learning about, as word arises that the now-demised investment bank reportedly flowed millions of dollars to departing executives. Amid the chaos, Lehman CEO Dick Fuld states that, “the company did everything it could to limits its risks and save itself.”

Not quite everything. Mr. Fuld neglected to hire a “High-Tech C.F.O. Action Figure”. This is an actual 12-inch-tall G.I. Joe-style male doll, created by Half Moon Bay, CA-based consultants the C2 Group for Service Source, a corporate client.

The figure delivers the following recorded message, as if presenting at an investor conference: “I’m glad you asked that question; we’ve partnered with Service Source. As a result, our revenues and earnings per share have grown consistently. Next question?”

There should be many questions. Despite warnings to him and his board, Fuld is alleged to have “depleted Lehman's capital reserves by over $10 billion through year-end bonuses, stock buybacks, and dividend payments." As recently as September 11, in fact, a request went to Lehman's compensation board that three departing executives be given $20 million in ‘special payments.’

A month ago, I stood six feet tall. Now I’m feeling 12 inches tall, and continuing to shrink. Perhaps some Lehman bottled water to help me grow again?

Jeff Heilman

10/7/08